Toronto freedom

Typing from Toronto as I slowly sip my HOT coffee which has not gotten cold yet. I can’t remember the last time I finished a coffee while it was still hot.

It was a whirlwind weekend photographing Crystal and Brendon’s wedding and it’s so nice to have a little downtime sans kids before we head back to Leamington to reunite with the little monsters who headed back with Nan and Pop yesterday. They had a great time at the wedding too, hanging out with cousins and jumping on beds! What’s not to love?

More to come… much more..

Little toes Horsing around DSC_9213

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Quiet quiet quiet.

When a patient passes away, I hand deliver the medical death certificate to our Patient Placement department on the first floor. I relish the walk through the echoing stairwell, taking my time on each step. The first floor is always peaceful, far away from the ringing phones and call bells of 3East Medicine. Just offices and the chapel.

The sun pours through the stained glass, washing everything in resplendent amber light and the patterns it makes on the floor between the open doors welcomes me in. It’s been so many years since I’ve attended mass but I’m still compelled to genuflect before I take my seat and let the silence baptise me, I can’t remember the last time it was this still. The only sound that I can hear is my heart beating at my temples. The prayers I once committed to memory barge themself unapologetically back into my head but I’m not there to pray.

I’m there for the silence. The silence is my religion.

 

 

 

shh.

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Barber Boys

I’ve been sitting in on some of Syx’s tuesday night One Light classes at VPW and last week we headed into gastown to shoot the boys at Dominion Barber. I feel incredibly lucky to get the chance to tag along when there’s interesting models/location, even if it means having to wait my turn to take my photos. After all the students got their shots, I had about 5 minutes with each model, but I’m really happy with the shots I did get.

Corey.

aka my first adult heartbreak.

Corey looks really tuff but he used to be vegan and skinny enough to fit in my pants. The skinniest of the skinny jeans. I moved out of my parents and in with him, just after I turned 19. We lived in a DIVE off of east 7th where our indoor cats got fleas and the neighbors never stopped playing loud music, but baby it was love, we didn’t need nothing besides that east van dive. But as it usually goes when you’re 19 and think you’ve found the one, you each start growing and changing and not always in the same direction. Time heals all and I’m grateful that almost 10 years later we’re still friends. Damn. I’m starting to feel old. He was always a bit of a photographer and used to take pictures of me a lot so it was quite interesting to have him on the other side of the camera.

I’m in love with the 85mm for portraits right now.

 f2.8, 1/125 sec, ISO 800.

Seriously. He looks tuff as shit. I wish I had an embarrassing old photo to pull up for reference. Those were the days we were still using what I think they call.. film? There’s a shoebox full of photos somewhere. PS. His name tag is also spelled wrong, before you all start thinking I’M the one getting his name wrong

Anyway,

this is Matt.

I just met Matt.

Well, not really. Apparently I met him once when he used to work at Bang On with Corey. But I don’t remember, I was just being polite when I said I did.

f2.5, 1/100sec, ISO 500

 Thanks again to Corey and Dominion Barbers for having us out. If you are a man and need a haircut, go see these guys for some seriously slick hair.

Also thanks again to my marvellous husband who supports my learning and lets me steal valuable model time from his students, hah. Seriously go look into taking his classes though. You won’t believe what you can do with just one light!

 XO

 

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A Quiet Walk

I’m eating banana flavored ham left over from the kids party platter, because everything tastes like banana after it’s been sitting on the same plate with it for hours. My kid free weekend already feels so long ago….

Syx and I used to go for photowalks all the time, these days are few and far between where we both get to carry our cameras on a walk.

DSC_7312-

 

 

 

 

My idea of a perfect date. XO <3

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My Kid Free Weekend

Was full of art, wearing sexy high heels, taking photos, breakfast at 1 in the afternoon, warm fuzzy feelings, quality time with my husband, a whole lotta ladies with a whole lotta corndogs, loud music, LATE LATE nights, sleep ins, clove cigarettes and photo edits.

 

I AM TOO TIRED TO TALK ABOUT ANY OF THESE THINGS.

More to come.

<3

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Happy Valentine’s!

Sometimes it’s I find it hard to tell the story of Syx and I, because there was no great romance or love at first sight, chance encounter or blind date. We were just really great friends.

The photo archives tell me that I met Syx in October of 2003. We knew of eachother through mutual friends in the tattoo and piercing shop scene and connected online when he asked me to model for him, and I nervously agreed, SO NERVOUSLY. On a photoshoot in the studio that would later become my home we met for the first time. He was handsome and older and his lovely girlfriend was there too and I was awkward at 18, even more awkward than I am now (if you can imagine that!) and had a lot of issues with my body. Syx had an eye for awkward, an eye for weird and the one thing that stands out more than anything about that first meeting with him was that he made me feel beautiful. Seriously beautiful.

November 2007

I modeled for Syx often over the next few years, both for his classes and personal projects and we started to become pretty close. I would purposely detour by his house on my way home from work and he would make me a coffee and we would share a smoke, chatting the afternoon away. So many afternoons spent sitting cross legged on his floor while he edited photos and I helped him with paperwork while I would bitch about the guys I was dating and would tell me to dump the asshole. I would show up on his doorstep crying when I felt like my life was falling apart and he would shake me and tell me to pull it together. He was always tough on me but in a way I needed, and he was always ALWAYS there for me.

When I went through my first real heartbreak, the gut-wrenching can’t eat, can’t sleep heartbreak I must’ve lost 20 pounds and didn’t get out of bed for 3 days. Syx came over and physically made me get up and that night he took me out to a show where I could be among friends and stop moping. When my ex showed up and I wanted to run away and back to bed in my sad drunken state, he made me stand my ground and held me in a dark corner and let me cry into his neck. I remember the way his arms felt looped under my arms holding me up because I just couldn’t do it on my own.

So how you decide to start dating your best friend?
I seriously don’t even know. I still don’t.

There was a day, we were out for a walk at Ambleside Park, both lamenting and feeling a little bitter about our recent breakups. Talking about the future, what we wanted from life, the things we wanted to do. And as the conversation unfolded there were a series of tiny clicks that happened. Quiet clicks. Familiar clicks. The paths we wanted to walk were so similar, intersecting even and after that we started looking at eachother a little differently. Then slowly, and cautiously and very aprehensively we set out along an uncharted path together. A few months went by and he went home to Ontario for Christmas to be with his family and that’s really when I knew something was changing between us, I missed him in a way I never had before. I missed him so much I snuck into the studio and slept in his bed just to feel near him.

When he got back to Vancouver we spent New Year’s Eve together, and I think that’s when we knew it was real. I seem to remember spending a lot more time together after that. Although Livejournal entries tell me that I was writing bad poetry for him on Dec 11 and telling me I started keep tampons under his sink on Dec 12 2007.

i call you my sort of boyfriend
to anyone who sees you
kiss me longer than just friend kiss

i tell them sometimes i love you
and that you trust me with your spare key
(something about you feels like home)

I moved in that April and I found out I was pregnant with Hanna in August and we got married the August after that.

Some love stories sneak up on you.
Some love stories are quiet.
Some love stories are unassuming.

Life isn’t perfect. We argue, we don’t always see eye to eye and sometimes I forget that his tough love is one of the things I love the most about him.

But not a single day goes by that I’m not thankful for a PARTNER in life that supports me, encourages me, and inspires me. Believe me, I count my blessings because I KNOW how lucky I am.

So even though I don’t buy into the hallmark holiday, I do buy into an excuse to acknowledge the huge amount of love I have for the person I share my life with. So Happy Valentine’s Day Michael Syx.

I love you so much and am so grateful for you and all the amazing years we spent building this relationship before it existed.
us-jump

 

 

XOXO

Tell me your love story!

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Family Day

So bedtime has turned into a slightly more complicated routine as of late. I wasn’t going to talk about bedtime but I have just spent the last hour thinking about nothing but bedtime while patiently waiting for them to both just GO TO SLEEP ALREADY!

8:00pm rolls around. It’s bedtime. It’s past bedtime actually but I decided to give Picky McNoeat one more chance to finish off her dinner (She didn’t). We all gallop into the bedroom and pajamas are on and everyone is snuggled in Hanna’s bed, the lights go off and everything is quiet. FOR ABOUT 15 SECONDS. Armenie sits up and points wildly to her own bed across the room and I have no choice but to oblige since my refusal leads to screaming which in turn gets Hanna worked up. We start the dance. I get up, lay Armenie down her bed and start rubbing her back, and as soon as it gets quiet and she might actually be asleep, Hanna starts crying and complaining that she wants me which starts my heart breaking into a million pieces.

Because I’ve already been having a lot of guilt lately about the amount of attention Armenie gets vs the amount of attention Hanna gets. How do you ever find a balance?

But anyway, this of course wakes Armenie back up, so we try to all cuddle again in the big bed. Not 5 minutes later, Armenie has scratched Hanna in the face and we’re back at square one. The dance between two beds goes on for an hour, all the while I am softly promising Hanna I’m going to cuddle her as soon as Armenie is asleep, pleading with her to just stay quiet, just please be a big girl.

Of course by the time A is finally asleep, Hanna is too and I am left feeling like a giant asshole because all she wanted to do was snuggle with me. I notice that lately she is trying so hard to be patient, SO HARD. She is lashing out at Armenie less and less and coming to me more and more when she has a problem and I recognize that it must be so difficult because truth be told, Armenie can be kind of a jerk (cough, cough, that’s an understatement).

I’m so proud of the way she’s growing and I feel like that’s slipping through my fingers. I used to have so much time to spend with her. When she was Armenie’s age, it was just her and I all the time. Library adventures, coffee shop dates, and so so so much quality time. It makes me sad that I have to deny her simple things like quiet cuddling at bedtime because I have to deal with Armenie. It makes my heart hurt. It’s not fair. She knows it too and I can hear it in her voice when she calls out across the room in the dark “Mama, I just want you….” Complicated little people, with delicate feelings.

We were lucky though, to have had the whole day off together for BC’s first Family Day. A most excellent excuse for us to spend a whole day together.

Family Day at Robson Square

I, of course had grand ideas of doing a photoshoot with Hanna downtown while we were checking out the festivities but the rain was cold and so was Hanna. We didn’t last long, just long enough for Hanna to get her face painted like a cat. So when we got home we did quick little one flash set up with our trusty Joe McNally easybox by Lastolite while Armenie napped and furthered our quality time together. She was just stoked because I bribed her with chocolate. No shame, ha.

<3

The tail
PS She wore this tail ALL day.

WHAT A LOVELY LITTLE KITTY.

Beauty queen

Giggles

Laugh out loud!

Ho hum

<3

I have to say, it feels good to be shooting so much. I feel like I’m at this point where it’s just all starting to come together and I actually feel excited about something other than my children. Don’t get me wrong, my kids are pretty exciting but even Hanna has her own passions (like cats). It’s been hard to find the time on stretches where I’m working a lot but I have to start putting in more effort because the more time I spend doing it, the more it’s paying off. I’ve never been inspired like this. I’ve never had such an effective medium.

It just feels really good.
DSC_6613

also LOVE LOVE LOVE for Phanie for my lovely watermarks!!!

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F*ck

GAHFDdfjldskjf!!!!!!

SERIOUSLY MARMALADE?

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Manic Monday (and puke adventures)

My house is a mess.
As usual.

But the particularly haggard state my body is in I can owe to Pukeface Mcgee. Last night after Syx went to work I was nailing bedtime. Dinner, bath and story time, it was 7:30 and the girls were yawning already. I put them each in their beds and shushed in the dark and alternately rubbed their back until I could hear their breathing get heavy. I snuggled into Armenie to kiss her good night and I heard her gulp. She sat straight up in bed, opened her eyes and projectile vomited ALL OVER ME and EVERYTHING ELSE.

Then the light’s are on, tearing us all out of the gentle black room and we’re seeing stars. Hanna is a complete emetophobe and is screaming “MOM I DON’T LIKE THIS!” and dry heaving, Armenie is looking bewildered and keeps puking as I run to bathroom, and am unsure where to point her once I get there.

Repeat x4. 3 baths and 2 loads of laundry later.

I slept restlessly beside her all night, waiting for her to be sick again.
This morning Pukeface woke me at 6 am by kissing my face over and over with her sour little mouth and then insisted on eating half a watermelon.

This morning I can’t drink enough coffee, I gulp it hot and let it burn my throat knowing that if I put it down even for a second, I will get distracted and it will get cold. It’s cold cereal and watermelon for breakfast and I don’t even argue when Hanna chooses the chocolate cereal we bought to avoid meltdown last week at the grocery store, I’m just too tired.

I had really wanted to post about our Manic Monday last night but that obviously didn’t happen.
I’ve been really trying really hard to get a camera into my hand every day. I’m not not a naturally creative person, I have to really work at it and I know the best way to do that is to just do it. Keep shooting. And I know the best way to do THAT is to shoot what I know. Keep practicing, keep working, keep going.

SO, Here is a day in the life of my usual Monday morning.

Breakfast

Sippin on juice and juice

There, there Armoo

Koa

Angry baby

4 of 4

Gang of four

Messes

Telling secrets

Art

Art

Making art

The gang

Koa

Crayons

Arwo

Toe tricks

Embarrassing

Hair

Balancing girl

Flying Hanna

Working hard

The nest

There's no one in here.

Cupboard monster.

Cereal thief

Just another manic manic monday.


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Manic Wednesday?

On Mondays I watch the boys from upstairs. It’s part of my hippy sister wife duties I share with Liz. She watches the girls, I watch the boys- we’re all happier because we save money since babysitters these days seriously make almost as much money as I do. My Manic Mondays sometimes turn into every other Manic Wednesday as well. It gets a little crazy sometimes but nothing that supermoms can’t handle even. My life is ridiculous.

Little pumpkins

Little Pumpkins

Cat Doctors

Dr Hanna

4 and under club

photo (4)

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